Denial and Its Implications for Your Elderly Loved One
Denial of a loved one’s need for help can be a real issue for many family caregivers. Denial is the unrealistic hope that a problem is not really happening and will go away by itself. It is a natural, human, self-defense mechanism that allows us time to buy time to adjust to the shock of an injury or loss.
However, the practice of denial beyond a reasonable time period of adjustment increases the risk of greater injury or loss. A loved one’s chronic health issues or end-of-life issues do not go away just because they are being ignored. Denying issues can prevent a loved one from getting the treatment they deserve or can delay important decisions such as finding hospice services for end of life care.
Facing our fears, anxieties, shame, blame, and even anger is the key to moving forward and accepting the reality of our situation. Don’t waste time on being angry, resentful, fearful, or wishing things were different. Denying the realities of the situation most often simply make things worse.
Helping Family Members Move Past the Denial Stage
Moving beyond denial requires a change in your perspective. Many fears contribute to the denial experienced by those involved: fear of losing their independence; fear of losing their health; fear of losing their memory; fear of running out of time with our loved one; fear of too much responsibility; fear of saying the wrong thing or not doing enough. These fears are all legitimate but need to be acknowledged and discussed in order to help family members move beyond the denial stage.
- Know that moving beyond the denial stage takes compassion, understanding, and patience. Understand that your parents, siblings, or other family members are not bad or neglectful. Keep in mind that “denial = fear.”
- Be gentle with your family members struggling with denial. Think carefully about how to approach the subject and the words you choose.
- Present the facts about your parents rather than making a diagnosis. Using terms like Alzheimer’s or dementia can put your family members on the defensive. Instead, describe the behavior that is concerning you. For example, “I’m concerned about Mom because she forgets to take her pills, is wearing the same clothes for days, and she has stopped visiting her friends.” Remember – just the facts.
- Ask if your sibling or other family member has noticed anything unusual. If they have, discuss the actions you are taking such as arranging for in-home help, changing their living environment, or taking your parent for a health evaluation.
- If they have not noticed anything, ask them to listen/look for anything unusual the next time they call or visit your parents. Also tell them the actions you are taking to determine if it is an environmental or physical/health issue.
Remember, denial is not a conscious decision or action, but an emotional response to fear. For some of us, seeing our parents age is too overwhelming and makes us wonder and worry about how we will age. Also, it’s difficult to see the person you have viewed as the anchor of the family becoming the person who needs the help and care. But, by helping your family members identify and address their fears, you can help everyone work through the paralytic nature and consequences of denial.
Adapted from the Senior Caregiver Network News, Anoka County, MN (Summer, 2010)
For caregiving help in the Minneapolis and St. Paul MN area, visit www.angelcaremn.com.
