How do you help your elderly loved one get past their family customs and cultural beliefs to accept assistance in her home? How do you tell your loved one that you and your siblings are concerned about them living alone at home? How do you help them keep their independence without interfering in their life or making decisions for them?
These are issues that will not go away with time. To the contrary, it will behoove everyone involved to be proactive about such difficult topics. With advance planning and straightforward discussions, the problem-solving process actually can work well, but it will take some concentrated effort by you, your siblings, and your loved one.
The first thing to know is that many of the conversations you will be having on your loved one’s behalf could very well be emotionally laden, and must be handled carefully. Setting up a family meeting can be a great place to begin having discussions about the care they should be receiving (or want to receive). It may seem obvious, but remember they are the one making choices about their own life, not you or one of your relatives (unless of course, there is a serious health concern and your loved one is being unreasonable and disregarding this health concern).
Your loved one should always be a central part of every discussion – if not, it could be difficult for you to find solutions that are acceptable to them. Family meetings should be supportive and this support alone may be enough to convince them that they should begin to consider some form of home care before their health deteriorates.
Even with the most thought out and well planned family meeting, resistance from them is typical (and possibly from others) when discussing your loved one’s independence, or lack of it. If they show signs of resistance and would like to put off the discussion for a while, don’t push them. Realize that they may need some time to prepare for such a discussion. If, after some time, they continue to delay, be a bit more aggressive, making sure that they understand that you and your family want the meeting because you are concerned about their well-being.
Meals on Wheels would be an example or a free consultation with a home care agency. Make sure, however, that you focus on what they feel are their concerns. They will be much more accepting of your concerns if they tie into their own concerns. It is often wise to have a family meeting prior to having the loved one attend a meeting. This will give the family a chance to unite in their thoughts, which will help show your loved one that all of you are concerned about similar issues.
After having the initial family meeting (with your loved one), gently suggest that they make an appointment with their physician to have a thorough evaluation, and/or meet with a geriatric psychologist. This professional evaluation can go a long way in helping them decide that they could use some assistance in their home. Eventually, most elders come to realize that they cannot care for themselves as they used to, and seeing their doctor generally makes this decision easier.
Finally, be direct about having a home care agency meet with them. This will allow your loved one to get a sense of exactly what a home care agency can do for them – be specific about the tasks a caregiver will perform, and won’t perform. Let them know that they are still in control, and that the home care process can add significantly to everyone’s peace of mind.
Remember to keep all discussions positive. Treat them as an equal – don’t parent! And let them make their own decisions. Your job is to help them make decisions, not make decisions for them.
Discussing the need for home care with your elderly loved one can be an emotional process, and often meets with resistance. But, if you and other family members are convinced that your loved one’s safety and well-being are at risk, you may need to push the discussion forward fairly aggressively, making sure they know that you are doing so out of your deep concern for them.
