Visiting Angels St. Louis Park, MN

How families respond to the challenge of shared care giving varies as much as the needs of the care recipient. One person may end up doing it all even though other family members are ready and willing to assist. Some families spread the responsibilities out very well. Families may share common goals or differ in how they believe things should happen.

 

All families normally have some baggage and various stressors that will appear. Certain family members may not get along or prefer not to be involved. The care recipient’s situation may force those family members back into the mix where old dynamics can come back into play. The stress of a parent’s illness or condition often brings out the worst or the best in people. Family members who in the past have been giving and attentive may step up to the challenge again, while those who were less involved may remain disconnected or uninterested. Those who live chaotic lives may find they don’t have time to help even when they are needed the most. 

 

Occasionally, just the opposite occurs. If people are given a chance to participate in a welcoming environment where their strengths and skills can be used and appreciated, you can create an optimum situation. Differences and old baggage can be put aside and replaced with a sense of love, appreciation, and healing, out of the shared goal to help a loved one.

 

The family/care giving leader/manager can help foster cooperation and set the tone but it’s ultimately up to each individual to decide if they can be at their best or worst through this experience. Most people will find they are somewhere in the middle but everyone has ups and downs along the road.

 

Experienced families will tell you they felt unprepared for the surprises that popped up, but everyone just does the best they can. It’s hard to get 100% agreement on emotionally charged matters, but clear calm heads usually prevail if you stay focused on the mutual love for the care recipient and his or her needs.  

 

Recognize and acknowledge what people are willing to do and what they are best at. Some will be more willing to contribute than others. Try to let go of “shoulds.” You may believe everyone can and should help, but some may choose not to for various reasons. Everyone deals with aging parents and the caregiver role differently. Some may not be able to face the reality of it and stay in denial; others may feel that they were not cared for by a parent, so why should they care for them? Some may just have trouble coping with the situation.  

 

Some family members feel that their other responsibilities are of greater importance than those of the rest of the family, so they don’t have time to help. This could be an excuse or the truth. It’s worth trying to find a way for them to help. At least keep them informed, but don’t continue trying to force something that just isn’t going to happen or it may end up making things more difficult for everyone. Don’t be close minded, because things could change over time. Try using the word I when seeking help from family members who don’t offer it:” I need your help with…” Be specific about the need; it’s less threatening if they know they’re agreeing to one specific request.

 

Caregivers who live closest to the care recipient tend to take on the most responsibilities. It is optimum if someone lives in the same city and can check in frequently, run errands, and help out in emergencies. They will be able to provide the most consistent care and will be in the best position to notice subtle changes that can be addressed before a crisis. However, don’t assume that this person should be or wants to be in that role. It is unfair to put everything on one person, regardless where they live. 

 

It is important not to let one person become the only caregiver if there are more family members or friends who are willing to help. Even if someone wants to do it alone, they need periodic relief. Also remember that second-guessing or trying to direct their help efforts, when you’re not helping, will likely be met with anger, resentment, and exhaustion over the long term. It’s easy to advise from the sidelines but it is not usually helpful or appreciated. 

 

Some responsibilities can be given to family members who live far away such as legal and financial responsibilities like setting up and monitoring on-line bill payments. Driving or flying in periodically, perhaps to help with a home improvement project, is another option. These family members can also do internet research, investigate alternative housing options for the future, think through long-range planning ideas, etc. Visits from out of town family members can also help to bolster moods, give other caregivers a break and add a different perspective to care issues. Some employer family leave policies allow employees to take the time to provide care to a parent.

 

 

Some family or friend “team members” will naturally fit better in certain roles. If you can identify where they fit the best, you’ll build a great team. Watch for good listeners, people who seem to know just what to say, calmness or ability to communicate well in stressful situations. Some may be good at dealing with emotionally charged issues that the care recipient is struggling with. Some may be better at and even prefer handling household repairs, lawn maintenance, etc. Some people may choose to participate personally or pay to have a service come in. Some may stop by almost daily, run errands or do house cleaning or just socialize with the care recipient. Everyone has different strengths that you can tap into.

 

So you’ve built a great team of caregivers made up of family members, neighbors and professionals. Smooth sailing from here, right? Hopefully, yes, but where there is communication there are communication issues, especially among family members. Power struggles, heated arguments that include the care recipient (NO!), and battles over care decisions and living arrangements are some of the things you may face. You may not want to think about that now, but it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for the possibilities. Here are a few more:

·        One family member is wanting control and possibly trying to create divisions in the family or isolate the care recipient from other family members for their own gain, or their perception that it is best for the care recipient.

·        One family member is manipulating the others’ decision making, possibly through use of money.

·        The care recipient feels like a burden or overhears a conversation of this nature.

·        Tug-of-war over who should be the primary caregiver, makes decisions, and has power of attorney.

·        Emotional blackmail. Ultimatums or guilt may be used to manipulate or sway opinions.

·        Grown siblings are wrestling with old issues related to “the favorite” or the “black sheep” in the family; dialogue that kindles old animosities.

·        There are problems and alienation related to step-family members’ involvement in decision making and care giving.

·        One person is withholding information or updates from others.

·        Someone is blaming others for perceived problems with how the care has proceeded.

·        There is resentment over unequal contributions of time and effort.

·        When the inevitable comes, there may be disagreements over funeral/memorial arrangements, burial or cremation, etc.