by Jeffrey Johnson
In today’s world, the reality of caregiving is that many family members have moved away from their childhood homes, often times more than several hours away. This creates a new level of independence for those that move away, but it can develop a true burden when it comes time to care for mom or dad. In this edition of the Weekly Message, we look at the basic issues and solutions involved in long distance caregiving.
As with all problems, it is important to identify if the situation is actually problematic, and what are the specifics areas that may need attention. For example, mom lives 500 miles from you. You visit as often as you can, but that boils down to mostly holidays and a few visits in between. On a few recent visits, you have noticed mom having an unusual odor about her, different from her normal sweet perfume smell. You let it go, but with each visit it seems to be progressively stronger. What can you do? Identifying the problem is the first step. In this case, it could be that mom is not bathing as much because the shower/tub is just too difficult for her to manage. Another problem area might be nutrition. Although mom eats well when you are there, you notice that her refrigerator is poorly stocked, or that food is left in the refrigerator spoiled. Mom might be afraid to drive to the store, or she may be developing some signs of dementia.
Once an area of concern is identified, support systems must be put into place to alleviate or correct the problem areas. In the case sited above where mom is not bathing regularly due to the difficulty in managing the shower/tub combo, a new, easy walk-in shower tub could be installed. Or, a caregiver could be hired for a couple of hours per day, every other day, to ensure mom’s safety while using the current shower/tub. Other sources for support for long distance caregivers might include: Geriatric Care Managers, friends and neighbors, home care agencies, mom’s doctor, relatives who might live closer to mom than you, specific support groups (i.e., Alzheimer’s), etc. The idea is to link together with support services that are near mom and can cover the services you cannot from 500 miles away.
It would also be helpful, as a long distance caregiver, to increase the number of contacts with mom. Several options are now available thanks to increasing technology. First, the good old telephone is still the easiest form of staying in touch. Increase the number of calls you make to mom – instead of weekly, make two or three calls per week. Include you kids in the calls. Use computer webcams. I know it may seem daunting for some people (both the son or daughter and mom) to use this technology, but once in place, it works great, and this new technology allows everyone to see each other – next best thing to being there in person. Write more letters or cards. My experience tells me that people still love receiving something other than a bill in the mail. The written word is still pretty special. Use your imagination…but, increase those contacts.
Try and become more efficient in your efforts to care for mom from so far away. Get organized by presetting doctor’s visits, hair appointments, attorneys meetings, etc. for the time you are there. Talk about home care options, such as friends and neighbors stopping by regularly, the use of a home care agency from time-to-time, or the eventual need to have more serious care if mom were to fall or become ill. Don’t wear mom out, but do make the most of your time when you are together. And make sure that you offer support after you leave – all this whirlwind activity can be difficult for mom to get her head around. That’s one reason those extra phone calls will help.
Finally, it may be necessary to discuss placement into a facility or a relative’s home. These are very difficult discussions and may best be handled by a professional. Once the initial ground has been broken, mom may be more willing to talk with a Geriatric Care Manager, social worker, admissions director at a facility, etc. Take your time with this. Don’t push mom into anything she is not ready for, but keep the dialogue open to the possibilities of alternative living. I have found that if that discussion is handled well before the actual need arises, which ever alternative is chosen and appropriate, mom is usually much more willing to see it as her idea and not something forced upon her by her kids.
Family members have the right to be concerned about mom’s nutrition, overall health, and her general safety. Living more than several hours away from mom simply amplifies those concerns, for mom and her children. Acknowledging the potential issues, discussing them when appropriate, and coming up with a game plan will definitely help to reduce the stress for all involved when it comes to being a long distance caregiver.
